The Lessons in Loss

First off, I want to thank all my friends, old and new, for your loving support to me over the past few weeks as I blogged about the inevitable task of bidding farewell to my beloved feline friend, Meg. Some of you knew that Meg and I had a somewhat love/hate relationship over the years, which after the fact, I likened to many human mother/daughter relationships. All in all she was a good kitty and I loved her more deeply than even I knew.

The house is eeirly quiet and already hubby & I have experienced mind tricks where we think we can still hear her in the house. It was odd this morning getting up and not hearing the all too familiar "meows" of Meg as I head downstairs and into the kitchen. Hubby already noticed the lack of pitter patter of her padded paws on the laminate flooring in our bedroom with the familiar "Whomp" as she would leap onto the bed so high in the sky (or so it must have seemed to her).

Although my heart is deeply sad, I do feel better knowing that Meg is out of discomfort. I spoke with my mil today who had kitty-sat for us while we were in NC. Watching Meg that week she could tell her health was declining. She told me that often Meg struggled to eat and even drink. Mom had prepared a "speech" in her mind to relate to D, in order to convince him that it was time for Meg. God did that for him though, as hubby came to that decision all on his own when we returned home.

So, today, as I remember and reminisce, I can't help but ponder the lessons learned. In loss, we learn so much about not only the one we miss, but also we learn about ourselves.

After Sydney, Meg's brother, died in Sept 07, I reflected about the "Mommy" I'd been up to that point. I saw some ugly things in myself, not being the best pet owner in the world. Not noticing the subtle changes in my boy left me with oodles of guilt and grief. Coming home to Meg that Sunday afternoon I was determined to be a better "Mommy" to my one living cat and for the most part I had grown and improved.

I wish I could say that I became the ideal pet owner at that point, but to my chagrin I must confess, I still failed my Meg. When she began peeing on the basement stair landings after being diagnosed with hyper-thyroidism last summer, my patience often times ran thin. Guilt would then rise and I would feel horrible and try and make ammends within myself and with Meg. Also, the constant meowing just about drove me up the wall. I liken it to a toddler's whining at you all day long. Fingernails on a chalk board. Arrrrgh!

On the positive side though, I did see growth. I wasn't always frustrated with the situation and I tried very hard not to get angry with her for her behavior, recognizing that it was out of her control. I tried to be nurturing, although if you've ever had a cat, you know that independant streak within them doesn't always make that possible. I didn't always do well with the fickleness of the feline nature.

All in all though, I feel I finished well with my Muffy! I believe she knew how much I loved her as I spent copious amounts of time with her this past week, dropping everything to snuggle with her and give her oodles of hugs and kisses. I put her needs above my own and I guess that's what being a real Mommy is all about isn't it? I'm just sorry I learned that lesson a little too late.

I'm not sure if either hubby and I will be ready to own another pet anytime in the future. Part of me longs to have another living being to nurture (perhaps a puppy), but the other half of me runs from the idea. (And that would be that selfish part of me)

Whatever we do though, we will not make a move without God confirming to us His will on the matter. That is one thing we've learned in life. We need to filter every decision in our marriage, big or small, through the Hands of God. With Him we can do anything!