Day of Rejoicing

The year was 1999. The month late November... or was it early December? I can't completely remember. It was the end of the "two week wait" after our 3rd artificial insemination procedure. I had been spotting brown blood so without much hope, decided to take a pregnancy test. Low and behold there was an ever-so-faint "+" and the shock and joy intermingled within me.

I remember this part well. It was a Sunday morning. I called the fertility clinic and told them what I found. They had me immediately come for blood work.

So stunned by the "+" on the stick I couldn't help but tell my best friend that morning at church. To this day I will never regret telling her because the look on her face was none other than that look Miss America gets when they tell her she's just beaten the other 50 girls. You know the look. The surprise, followed by the hand trembling to cover the "O" of the open mouth. It still makes me smile to this day and I treasure that memory.

That Sunday afternoon they called from the clinic to confirm that indeed my blood work came back with the same result as the little white stick - "positive". It was the first time in 4 years of trying to conceive... and the last time in the past 10 years to have such results. We called all of our family that day to tell them the exciting news. I realize this is never the "norm" for such news so early, but Romans 12:15 kept running through my head. "Rejoice with those that do rejoice, and weep with those who weep" was a verse I learned as a young girl and never left me. At this time, 4 years people had been weeping with us over our infertility. I was not about to let them miss a minute of the rejoicing.

Monday, as I was reading my Bible, God gave me a passage that I would hold onto for a very long time. Psalm 40:1-3 would become so precious to me and at the time I didn't quite realize how precious. It says,

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

At the time, I assumed these verses were God's confirmation that our infertility journey was coming to an end, but the following day, I knew that was not to be the case. When I returned to the fertility clinic on Tuesday for them to follow up with more blood work (in the hopes that my hcg levels were doubling as they should in early pregnancy), the news was not good. My levels had decreased and I was losing the pregnancy. Later that week when speaking with the doctor, he told us that we most likely had a "blighted ovum" meaning, there was an empty sac with no baby inside. We were disappointed beyond belief, but hopeful that God would give us a child in one of our next three rounds of IUI... but that was not the case.

For years I held tight to this passage from Psalm 40, waiting (sometimes patiently... sometimes not) for God to bring this promise to fruition. And years would go by. I began to realize that God needed to put a new song into my heart BEFORE a baby ever would come... if a baby would ever come.

It has been 9 years since we finished fertility treatments and that promise from Psalm 40. Why I am telling you this story today is because I have a hymn of praise to share. A song to sing because my God is so good! You see, in the past 3 or so weeks I have been preparing for a baby shower. A triple baby shower to be more accurate. Two of the couples in our small group and one other couple in our church family are expecting new bundles of joy in April. As one of the "older" couples in our small group, I and my friend Amy (the pastor's wife) organized a church shower for our friends. It was last night and it was a HUGE success (if I'm able to toot my own horn for just a second). Everyone had a blast and the couples were thrilled with the gifts, food and showers of love upon them and their new child.

In the past I have participated in helping with baby showers and in the past I have done so with my heart breaking all the while. But this time... this time I didn't feel that familiar twinge in my heart of envy and sadness and conflicting emotions. It was all about THEM... not me! And why? Because God has lifted me out of the "pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire". He truly has set my feet on the solid ground of trusting Him and believing with all my heart that He knows best. And He has given me a new song... a different song than my friends but I'm okay with that now. He has allowed me to see my life for what it is and to embrace that life. Not feel shame, nor envy. Not even to merely accept it but to embrace it! So today, although physically exhausted, I am not emotionally exhausted because of the baby shower. Instead I am totally rejoicing in the realization that God has fulfilled His promise all those years ago. I know I will still have those "pity party" days when I may not hold tight with the same enthusiasm and peace where I am at today, but those days are few and far between now. Instead, I am singing a new song... and it is one where I want to shout from the mountain top, God is GOOD and He is FAITHFUL. My promise may not have ended up the way I had envisioned way back in the Fall of 1999, but I must say, it is every bit as exciting and rewarding! Thank You God! You are SO worthy of my praise!!